grep Chelo

To celebrate the beginning of the 2010 FIFA World Cup, I’ve decided to put together the most kickass team the world has ever seen. There are too many good players out there, so I had to leave out some of my favorites because they wouldn’t fit in with the rest of the team, but I think the end result is an unstoppable machine of football awesomeness. In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m talking about the real football, the one where you use your foot to kick a ball, not the one where you use your hand to carry or throw an egg.

The classification rules for the team were really simple, if you’re famous, you get a chance to be considered. It doesn’t matter if you’re a boy or a girl; rich or poor; fictitious or real; made of flesh and blood, drawn on a piece of paper, or rendered by a computer.

So, to your amusement, here’s my formation for the 2010 Celebrity Football World Cup of Awesomeness:

Goal Keeper

Jesus (from the Bible): A guy who can make miracles happen is just what a team needs at the goal line. He can get injured and be ready to play again three days later. And, most important of all, He saves!!!

Backup

Spider-Man: Quick reflexes: check. Danger-detection abilities: check. Flashy costume: check. The only reason he’s not the main keeper is because he’s very unreliable, disappearing of to save the world in the middle of practice all the time.

Defense

The Thing (from the Fantastic 4): This is the closes a human being will ever come to being a wall. Makes sense to have him defending the center with his incredible strength and size.

Mickey Rourke: This guy is a brawler’s brawler. Not only does he look scary, he’s been known to have quite a temper. He’s played wrestlers, assassins, thugs, super-villains, and any other kind of rough guy you can think of in his movies. He can make sure that whoever needs a broken leg, gets it on time before they score.

Sayid (from Lost): He’s in pretty good shape because of being an Iraqi ex-soldier. And he wasn’t just a foot soldier. He was a torturer. So he’s not afraid to cause a little pain to get what he wants. And he won’t be going after the ball only; he’ll get the attacker to confess their whole strategy, as well as their weak points. Sayid is a player you can’t afford not to have.

Ron Weasley (from Harry Potter): Harry may have been the star of the show, but a seeker has no place in football. Ron was a keeper, but a Quidditch keeper’s role is very different. Still, he’s fast enough in his broomstick, and knows how to defend a ball. He may not be as impressive as the other guys on defense, but I’d put Ron as a starter without having to think twice.

Backup

The Hulk: Impressive size and strength, just like The Thing. He’d be a great reinforcement when you need to focus on defense. The only problem is that most of the time he’s wimpy Bruce Banner, so you need to wait for him to get mad to use him.

Midfielders

Mario (from Super Mario Bros.): this chubby plumber has energy to spare. And we already know that he can break bricks with his head, so he has a mean head-butt in front of the goal. He’s also shown his proficiency in the Strikers games. My only concern is doping issues, with all that mushroom intake.

Robert Downey Jr. (as Sherlock Holmes): this guy is a natural number 10. He’s in good enough shape, but his most important skill comes from his ability to analyze a situation in a fraction of a second, then predicting what will happen in the next minute. Imagine a midfielder who can find the hole in the defense, and know where the striker will be. Then execute the plan flawlessly. That’s what I call a “Perfect 10.”

Captn. Jack Sparrow: The team’s trickster. Be it with his way of walking, or by tricking the other team into getting drunk with rum or eaten by the Kraken, this guy will make weird things happen, and the element of surprise is always good in this sport.

Backup

Buzz Lightyear (from Toy Story): Another guy with incredible stamina. He also has an amazing sense of duty, so he’ll follow the Head Coach’s every order. His space suit will also provide some protection against injuries.

Forwards

Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader: The Force is with him, even if it is the dark-side of it. However we need to recruit him at the right time. Sign him too soon, and he’ll eventually go crazy and kill everyone in your team. Wait too long, and he’ll be more machine than human, and he’ll have lost all his speed and agility. Also, dribbling is hard when you can barely breath.

River Tam (from Firefly): This innocent looking girl is a genetically superior, neurologically-tuned, psychically-endowed killing machine. If we can train her to focus all her strength on the ball, she’ll be unstoppable. She’s also very smart and has shown that she can care deeply for her teammates. And when she grows up, she turns into a Terminator. ‘Nough said.

Keanu Reeves: Casting him just a Neo would be a mistake. Sure, his physics-bending abilities are very important for the team, but as Constantine he also fought demons; and that’s a skill that can be very handy. He will also serve as the “pretty boy” of the team, boosting our income and getting women to watch the games without complaining too much.

Backup

Kenny (from South Park): Sure, he’ll die every game, but he’s the closest thing to Keanu Reeves the world has ever seen, so this is a no-brainer.

Coaching Staff

Head Coach: Stick figure from XKCD. This guy has a superior intellect, a desire for coming up with cunning and elaborate plans, and he has math on his side. He may try a 1-2-3-5 formation just to follow the Fibonacci sequence, and it might just work.

Assistant Head Coach: Steve Ballmer (Microsoft’s CEO.) Sure, Steve Ballmer may be losing against Steve Jobs, but there’s one thing that Ballmer can do like no other: motivation.

Medical Staff: White Mage from Final Fantasy. As everybody knows, you should never embark on a quest without a healer in your party, and there are no better healers than Final Fantasy White Mages.

So, that’s my team. If you think you can come up with one that can beat mine, I’ll accept the challenge